Daddy and I like to go to Sevierville, Tenn., to see our friends at the Tennessee Museum of Aviation. Our favorite pilot is a WWII veteran named, Bill.
After changing the appointment 3 times, I finally made it to my yearly gynecologist checkup yesterday.
It’s never a good experience, but this time it was different!
After waiting only a few minutes, I get called back. The nurse who usually takes me back was in an extra good mood.
She announces my blood pressure numbers as she writes them down: “100 over 70.”
But that’s not what I heard. I said, “1200 over 70????”
She started laughing and said no one could understand her today.
I said, “No. It’s me. It’s always me. I can’t hear. I was on the phone with my sister earlier today, and she was telling me a story about a guy she knows who recently showed up to work with hickeys all over his neck. But I thought she said ‘foot,’ so I said, ‘He had hickeys all over his FOOT?’ And my sister said, “No, his neck!”
The nurse bent over laughing. She said that would have been pretty disturbing if the hickeys had been on his foot! And then she said that hickeys are coming back! She was in the mall the other day with her daughter when a man with hickeys all over his neck walked past them. Her daughter asked what that was, and she told her, “Never mind. You’ll find out soon enough.”
Then she said that lots of things from her youth were coming back – like leg warmers! She went on and on about leg warmers coming back. I chimed in and said, “Yeah! And wedge shoes are back. I didn’t like them then, and I don’t like them now.”
The nurse said, “You really took me down memory lane! I was just thinking about all of the hickeys I got as a teenager.”
Another nurse who had just walked in looked at her funny.
The nurse helping me said, “We were just talking about hickeys coming back.”
The expression on the other nurse’s face was priceless. I’m sure it was a subject she was not expecting to hear; or had thought about for some time.
Then she said it:
“I only had ONE hickey in my life.” And then she threw her head back and closed her eyes.
“I RELISHED that hickey for DAYS!”
The first nurse and I burst out laughing.
And then she said: “That boy TOOORE MEEEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”
The first nurse and I both screamed with laughter. She staggered out of the lab laughing so hard, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to follow her or not. But I finally did. She was still laughing as she told me I needed to take off all of my clothes and put on paper replacements.
As I waited anxiously for my yearly violation, I kept hearing laughter coming from down the hall.
It made me smile. And that is something that never happens to me at these visits.
The other day, I put my ever-so thrilling murder mystery down around 12:00 a.m. – and even then I had to make myself. It’s pretty good.
Anyway, right as I was about to drift off to sleep: “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!” right outside my bedroom window. My eyeballs immediately open. I think to myself, “Oh no! Murray sees a rabbit! Great.” And of course, I blame the rabbit. Not Murray.
I wait for him to stop. Doesn’t happen. My neighbors next door have a newborn. Barking after midnight is not a good thing for them.
I sigh. Throw back the many layers of covers, turn off the burglar alarm and walk into the garage. I leave the side door to the backyard open so my dogs can “do their business” outside.
Murray and Lilly: “Oh boy! You’re up! Cool! Let’s play!” wiggle, waggle, wiggle, waggle……
Me: “Guys! Please. Shhhhh. MURRAY! Be a gentleman and shut up! You are disturbing the neighborhood.”
I give them a snack and go back in the house. Reset the alarm, then trip over my two cats, River and Sera, who are convinced beyond a doubt that they are starving to death.
Me: “Quiet you two. Let’s go to bed.”
Ah! Sigh! I’m back in bed starting to drift off again.
River: “MEOW!!!! If I don’t eat in five more minutes, it’s curtains for me!!!” as he stands on my head and kneeds his paws into my scalp.
Me: “River! Pleeeeeaaaassse!”
I put the pillow over my head.
I think I actually start to dream about photo images – good ones, too. (I’ll make a note of them later)
“Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!”
Me: ” C R A P!”
I toss the covers aside more forcefully and stomp down the hall. Turn off the alarm. Open the door to the garage.
Murray and Lilly: “You’re up again! Great! Let us tell you all about this evil rabbit we’ve been doing surveillance on!!!”
Me: “Ok, you two. You’re in a time-out. No more access to the backyard until morning. I love you! Good night! Now shut up!”
Alarm goes back on.
River: “I’m on my last legs! Can’t you tell I’m withering here?” (River is a big boy. 20 pounds of feline.)
Sera: “If he gets to eat, then I get to eat TOO!” Screech!!!! Swat! Run, run, run.
Me: “Guys. No. Let’s go to bed.”
At this time, I think it was after 2:00.
My head starts to hurt. I take an Excedrin and chase it with Coke and chocolate.
Back in bed. Ah. Sigh.
Nope. This won’t do. I get back up and get an ice pack out of the freezer, get back in bed and place it on my eyes.
Ah. Much better.
“Meoooow! Hiss! Spit! Swat! Punch!” Sera and River get into a fight.
Me: “Guys! Knock it off!”
“Meoooow! Hiss! Spit! Swat! Punch!” “Meoooow! Hiss! Spit! Swat! Punch!” “Meoooow! Hiss! Spit! Swat! Punch!”
Me: “Stop it!” and then I throw something at them which does absolutely nothing but make me madder.
“Meoooow! Hiss! Spit! Swat! Punch!”
I vault out of bed screaming – scaring the cats into fishtailing out of the room.
Me: “River! Get in here! Sera! Stay out there. I’m separating you two.”
Now my headache has not only returned, but now it has officially turned into a migraine. I pop an expensive migraine pill and climb back into bed.
River: “Why is this door closed? Meow!” Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
“Oh my God!” I get up AGAIN, open the door and he runs out to continue his fight with Sera. I slam the door.
River: Why is this door closed? Meow!” Scratch, scratch, scratch.
I place the pillow over my head in hopes to lessen the volume. I had convinced myself he’d get tired and go to sleep.
Nope. He never gives up. Cats NEVER give up.
Still going at 4:30, I finally relent and slowly get up, open the bedroom door and let them back in. I quietly climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
River curls up on my legs and Sera curls up on my head. Both saying to each other: “What’s HER problem?” “I don’t know. She’s moody sometimes.”
Two hours later, the alarm goes off.
When I get to work, I picture all four of them sound asleep at home. That’s ok. I had 8 hours to plot my revenge.